I don’t like living my life feeling like i’m insane - but it looks like i dont have a fucking choice.
Today marks the first time in a month maybe ..four months? iv’e gotten this angry at myself, and at my own mind…
Today marks the first day in a year - i’ve decided to ignore that i am plural and try and reverse everything..
and fail miserably.
at EVERY FUCKING thing i do.
I”m not suprised that i’m probably failing politics, maori society or worse.. social work..
I’m not suprised i’m not finding jobs..
I’m not suprised that i can’t hold a proper relationship…
I’m not suprised people don’t like me..
i’m not suprised i don’t deserve better…
i’m not surpised people dont buy my books..
or my amazon assocaites crap
nobdoy cant trust me.
and don’t reply and tell me you do, cause you know by the time i’m done screaming at you that you wont.
I’m too chicken for death, so what do i do in self abuse? Play with mental fire and scar myself mentally. Ignore what people tell me to do, and ignore the fact people care. Act like nothing happens and then just internally die.
why… do i … do this?
i dont know, i dont care but i’m tired of feeling like i’m so awkward that i can’t fucking get anywhere in life.
i have people at my own unviersity telling me what to do and shoving me in a fucking corner, i have my own friends telling me i’m so awkward is houldn’t upload things anywhere…
WHY CANT PEOPLE JUST FUCKING STOP THIS MADNESS.
My own UNIVERSITY IS FUCKING OVER ITS OWN DEGREE - SO I GET TOLD THAT I HAVE TO TRY AND WORK WITHIN MY OWN MEANS, THAT GOING ELSEWQHERE IS A BAD IDEA.
Look, i LOVE my classes - my lecturers are awesome - the Lady that said that to me? She’s more of a Sociology lecturer; well respected i’m sure…
But WHY would i do distance with Otago if i have to apply into a program asap? - I dont have the time to mess with non social work papers.
I’m seriously angry at the world right now for no reason.
Politics are a load of fucking bullshit when they matter most - If 2012 comes and we have an apocalypse? We have nobody to blame but ourselves.
Why? BECAUSE WE ARE VOTING IN PEOPLE THAT DONT HAVE OUR BEST INTERESTS AT HEART.
So if you protest? you dont realise it’s making it worse?
DIE PEOPLE or change.
Maybei ‘ll just choose die eventually… not like i would/…
i’m too fucking chicken of pain, and going to the notion of “HELL”
Can I just beat people with this sign every time someone blames Obama for something the Republicans did? >_<
Annoying is as annyoing does when you wake up and you’re blurred partially with the 17 year old clone of yourself that just so happens to have narcolepsy and is also in your books……..
BAH I HATE THIS .___. her narcolespy doesnt do anything to me except make me tired x__X but bleh that’s the last tmie i have that much sugar at that late at night.
I literally could walk up to someone and act like i’m 17 right now… and i’m almost 29.
……>< i mind it less if it’s blurring with sai or even izuchi XD … i get skrred a bit if it’s terrin or tensei XD
……then i just endu p acting like my boyfriend…………er wait, best friend who we havent decided if we’re dating yet.
GODDAMN YOU ROB.
lmao XD PFFT!
PFFT! … yea i logged out of FB, i’m out of twitter, and as soon as i’m done here i’m not gonna be on much on here either
Other Good Reasons: >___> I dont need extra working up, my hear’ts been on the stupid “I DONT WANNA LIVE ANYMORE IM GONNA INHERIT SHIT FROM YOUR MOMS SIDE” XDDDDDDD
I’m on a roll doing a pretty anti social media week.. but it’s a good thing @_@
Me with my new glasses »… not only am i having WEIRD other medical problems NOW i have nearsightedness LOL
Things that have happened this week:
- Collected tasogare sekai stories into a book of short stories, it made it through the first 24 hour review period unscathed, and will be published by tomorrow. I’ll consider making a tumblr to reflect this maybe not.
- ….. *cough* XD went to the phsyio pool with mom on wednesday, was a total spaz.
- Been excersising more, eating better - tho i can tell i’m starting that time of the month cause i will crave EVERYTHING. I’ve got a stash of a mini can of pringles in my bag >.>
- @___@ had asthma trouble and dizzy spells… prompted me to cool off tuesday, was fine the rest of the week… sorta
- Went to the gym again today (2x a week at the university exersise perscription/rehab gym with a 4th year PE student ANT YOU ARE A FREAK OF NATURE BUT WE LOVE YOU!) XD………… Managed a full hour with no asthma problems >.> unlike monday
- So i get home TODAY and i’m like a ball of hypertensioney nerves and i feel like i’m on a heart race. I called the docs, went there … and had my blood pressure checked, and my heart rate (ALL NORMAL XD) …. but he checked my records cause i reminded him the psychiatrist’s ECG i had to get for possible taking Strattera for ADHD, and he was like “Oh yea! The IVCD thing… well NOW we should get you on a blood test, ECG and you come back to see me on thursday.” i’m all like “>____> Great. JUST WHEN IM TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT NAD BE HEALTHIER THIS SHIT COMES OUT” XD
FYI, i’ve been taking Ritalin 40mg SR in the morning - I’m supposed to do 20 morning and 20 afternoon, >.> but it never works that well that way for me, and so i got a slap on the wrist XD … i’ve gone fucking 9 months like this, with nearly no issues …
But we’re thinking that if there’s really no issue, that it’s the Ritalin - cause i’ve been a lazy little bum for the last year when i’ve been doing the 2x in the morning. Cause i can walk everywhere for the most part, but treadmill and cardio poop me out easy.
8D BUT MOM REMINDED ME THERES FREAKIN HEART DISEASE IN THE FAMILY.
…….screw you family XD.
screw you lol
OH OH AND AND THERES A NEW TERM FOR THE GYNO.
xD there’s a show called RUBY, she’s a wonderful lady … she’s overweight ..obese sadly … but she’s working her ass off to lose her weight and be healthy, and she’s kinda built like me but taller, and she’s from georgia..
and she’s fucking awesome XD she siad the vagina for SOME people is a gift :P
(Not everyone thinks that way XD so she said SOME PEOPLE)
So it’s like CHRISTMAS XD LOL.
Mom said she prefers Chelsea Handler’s “PIKACHU” reference for the Vagina XDDDDDDDDDDDD
G PLUS SUCKS
TUMBLR IS THE NEW LIVEJOURNAL
……………….twitter is livejournal with 140 chars.
HMM. ANYTHING ELSE?
Myspace is out of my brain - i haven’t bothered with it in years…
I JUST WANNA BE A HOUSE HERMIT DAMNIT!
XD REBLOG IF YOU TOTALLY WANNA BE A HERMIT WITH ME!~ XD
A Really Awesome Person (via nickryan)
I went to a Gamestop to turn in a Playstation 2 slim that I had put towards a full preorder of Bayonetta for my brother to go with the 360 I bought him.
I noticed this raggedy looking kid that was poking around, looking real excited, and he turns to his mom, who’s wearing a grey sweatshirt with cigarette burns and grey sweatpants, obviously super poor. The kid goes “Oh wow, mom, look how cool this one looks!” and he picks up a copy of Gitaroo Man, for the PS2. I was pretty impressed, because that’s probably my second favorite game of all time.
His mom says, pretty gruffly, “That don’t look like it’ll fit in your Gameboy. That’s what we came here to get.” I guess they were Christmas shopping early. It made me kinda sad because the kid looked to be maybe 9 or 10, and he didn’t believe in Santa anymore. The kid looked kinda sad and put it back, then started staring at which GBA game he wanted.
I’ve been pretty depressed for the last couple weeks, but I was kinda happy that this was something I could do something about. So, I did. I turned around and bought the copy of Gitaroo Man, Metal Gear Solid 3 and Gungrave: Overdose (some of my favorite games) then I handed him the bag full of everything, the PS2, the two controllers I had with it and the games. He looked at me and asked why I did and told him, “Because Santa sent me.” And then I looked up at his mom and his mom was crying, and that made me cry, and I left Gamestop a blubbering mess.
Felt fucking great, man."
It’s taking me so fucking long to get to a point i can understand the theory of being christian..
Espeically when half the headspace isnt x__X
but it still BUGS ME when people use the damn bible to reference shit to calm me down, it IRKS me.
My point was that God isn’t going to do it for you. And that’s what a lot of these people believe.
>.> WHAT THEY SAID ^ xD …. SAdfijsdofisdf >.> someone knows me all too well.
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH MY STOMACH IS PISSING ME OOOOFFFFFFFFF AND I STILL HAVE CLASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS